The pandemic has prompted the adoption of all sorts of unusual behaviors, such as 1) abandonment of all pretense of screen time limitations, 2) worshiping via Zoom, 3) grown-up podcasters building blanket forts in their closets to mimic the sound studio, 4) shifting from print books to ebooks no matter one’s previous Luddite habits, 5) wearing face masks and homemade ones at that, and finally 6) cooking.

Or at least from what I gather, a lot more people are doing a lot more cooking. This can turn into a whole new species of maladaptive competition—have you fully taken advantage of this precious and irreplaceable time to start your first batch of sourdough, ferment your kombucha, and construct architectonic pastries!?—and it can equally well turn into dreary repetition of the same ol’ same ol’.

Well, to those of you suffering in culinary confinement, I release you from the burden of achieving Great Things in Solitude or acquiring a New and More Wholesome Perspective on Life, the Universe, and Everything, and offer you instead something much better: a fantastic omelette you can make in three and a half minutes…